Late-Night Comedians Have Fun with Government Shutdown
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ABC/Randy Holmes(NEW YORK) — The government shutdown provided plenty of ammo for late-night comedians who took shots at lawmakers in Congress for failing to reach an agreement on a spending bill. Take a look at some of the best punch lines and jokes around the late-night circuit.
Jimmy Kimmel
“What are we doing here? Shouldn’t we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?”
“To be honest, I didn’t notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours gut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid.”
“Meanwhile the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare which is what everyone is fighting over, became available today. Which is good news for the doctor in your family who has to look at everyone’s moles at Thanksgiving.”
David Letterman
“The United States government, the most powerful country, shut down, not in business…We are like Carnival Cruise on land.”
“You know the NSA. The NSA — out of business. And while they’re closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.”
Jay Leno
“Well, we got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. So Obamacare has started. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick.”
“I am glad the government has shut down. Think about it. For the first time in years, it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.”
“Ironically, during the shutdown hundreds of thousands of nonessential employees…will be laid off because of well, because of our non-intelligent employees in Congress.” Leno continued, “We do have a lot of nonessential employees… Like the Treasury Secretary. Why is he there? We don’t have any money in the treasury.”
Conan O’Brien
“You know, almost everyone who’s employed at the FCC is not at work today. So, who’s up for an all-nude episode of Conan?”
“Due to the government shutdown the beloved panda cam at the National Zoo has gone dark. So now if you want to watch bears have sex, you have to go to the manhole bar in West Hollywood.”
Jimmy Fallon
“They’re saying that there are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided a government shutdown. See, Congress is just like most Americans because they need to get drunk before they screw people.”
Stephen Colbert
“Who needs the FDA? Just send me your drugs. I’ll test them for you. For instance, these right here belong to Brenda, my stage manager. I will let her know in 14 days if I ovulate.”
“The Environmental Protection Agency, which regulates the quality of our air and water — they could lose 94 percent of its work force. No EPA? Okay, well, time to dump some old house paint down the storm drain… Sorry, dolphins. You had a good run.”
Jon Stewart
“The cable networks were so excited they went around the clock, transitioning relentlessly from countdown clock to be before the shutdown to countdown clock after the shutdown. Because on cable news, this is the demarcation point in history on par with the birth of Christ.”
Craig Ferguson
“Crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That’s a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians with their politeness and a government that’s open every day.”
“Closing the National Zoo has me worried. Because without zookeepers those animals will be free to mingle. In a few months we could be looking at something called a croco-potamus. You’re welcome, Sy-Fy.”
“Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They’d devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually, that might be the answer all of the problems!”
Copyright 2013 ABC News Radio