“Poltergeist”: German for “Meh”
Published at | Updated atHave you ever eaten frozen pizza? Like those little frozen discs you pop in the oven that come out tasting like tomato sauce-slathered cardboard? Even though there’s no such thing as bad pizza, there definitely are degrees of quality. The frozen stuff will get the job done if you don’t have anything else on hand. But ultimately, it’s not all that satisfying.
“Poltergeist” is the cinematic equivalent of frozen pizza.
It’s not that “Poltergeist” is atrociously horrible or offensively bad. It’s just that it’s not exceptional or outstanding in any way. And it’s not bad enough to be unintentionally funny. It’s just so dumbfoundingly mediocre. It wastes a great cast in a morass of predictable jump scares and overblown computer generated visual effects.
The film tells the tale of the Bowen family. In wake of Eric (Sam Rockwell) losing his job, the Bowens downgrade to a smaller house in the suburbs. In no time, the kids hearing spooky noises and talking to invisible people.
Then one horrible night, the stuff hits the fan and Maddie, the youngest Bowen, winds up missing. As Eric and Amy (Rosemarie DeWitt) frantically try to find Maddie, they come to realize that they need the help of supernatural experts Dr. Powell (Jane Adams) and Carrigan Burke (Jared Harris).
The main problem is “Poltergeist” is exceedingly lazy. It never creates a single shred of doubt that the Bowens will escape unscathed. It uses the same type of scares as every other cheap horror movie and sets said scares up in ways that telegraph exactly what’s coming. There’s no suspense, no dread that gets inside your head and drives your reactions. It’s just not scary.
Maybe that shouldn’t be the point. “Poltergeist” could play on the parental instinct and the fear of having your child abducted. This could illicit a strong emotional response and heighten your need to see Bowen family reunited. But this movie fails to hit that note, too. That could be because filmmakers chose to soften things up in an effort to make the film teen-friendly and appeal to a wider audience.
Then again, who in their right mind makes a movie about the fear of child abduction and then markets it to a bunch of teenage moviegoers?
“Poltergeist” is well-crafted and well-shot. The cast is studded with talented actors. The story has a ton of potential. It’s a pity that the end result is such a bland, lifeless mess. Maybe they should made it more unintentionally hilarious. At least then it would have been memorable.
MPAA Rating: PG-13
2 Indy fedoras out of 5
Thanks to Fat Cats in Rexburg for providing screenings for movie reviews on EastIdahoNews.com.