To Beard Or Not To Beard…

In a plastic tub buried in a dark corner of my closet, there is a Ziploc bag that holds something rather precious to me. It is the remains of the best beard I ever grew. I was so attached to this beard, I named it Jorgen the Viking.

Jorgen covered me, kept me warm in Idaho’s January deep freeze, and even made me feel more manly. In the end, I decided to shave Jorgen as prep for a writing project. But I couldn’t part ways with him, so I bagged his remnants and put them in storage.

The decision to grow a beard has never been too difficult for me. I hate shaving. Thank the Maker I wasn’t born a woman, because shaving my legs sounds like a stone’s throw from Purgatory. Bearding up allows me to avoid the drudgery of staying clean shaven.

I also like that my beard camouflages my flabby turkey neck. The blubber’s still there, but I don’t have to look at it. That is a powerful motivator in and of itself.

Bearding up isn’t such an easy choice for some guys out there. Society pressures them to shave. Spouses or significant others tell them they look better without the face fur, when they actually look worse. The desire for acceptance fogs their resolve and their sense of individuality.

For those who might need a little extra motivation to grow a face ‘fro, a little shove over the cliff of bearded magnificence, here are a few point you may want to consider:

• The Vikings were bearded, and everybody gave them copious amounts of respect and fear. They may also have been feared for burning and pillaging everything in sight. But I’m going to say it was the beards.
• Beards make you desire to engage in manly pursuits, like tearing phone books in half or hitting things with very large hammers.



• Every film director who ever made a great film has done so while bearded. George Lucas made “Star Wars” while bearded. Steven Spielberg made “Raiders of the Lost Ark” while bearded. The guy that made “Batman and Robin”? No beard.
• Beards are METAL! See?



• Beards make you more attractive. You may only attract women who love beards, but those women will really dig you.
• Beards are great in winter. Not only do they keep your chin warmer, but you use them to tell you how cold it is outside. Just go outside with a wet beard and measure how long it takes to freeze.
• Beards can invoke intellectual thought. You would not believe how hard it is to avoid deep thought while stroking your beard.

There are reasons to avoid bearding up. Beards do require maintenance. Some folks use conditioner and beard oil to make their beards manageable. I think my Viking ancestors would road trip down here from Valhalla to disown me if I used beard product, but I do shampoo my beard and comb it.

There are also those soulless fiends out there who will tell you that beards make you look unclean or homeless. Ignore those miserable souls. They’re just jealous or follicle-challenged. Grow the beard. You’ll be surprised how it will change your perspective. And your world.