The quest for the perfect plus-size costume
Published atI’m a procrastinator. I’ve had months to get ready, but I still haven’t decided what I should dress up as for Halloween. I know, I know. What have I been doing with my time? If you must know, I’ve been working on a gadget that will amplify the vibration of superstrings in a way that will allow me to travel to different universes. That, and watching Netflix.
Halloween costumes have always given me issues because I’m portly. The festively plump is a demographic not well catered to by costume makers, and it’s gotten worse over the years as Halloween has become increasingly about provocative garb. I really doubt I’d look very appealing as a seductive French maid or a sexy pirate wench.
What that means is that I need to be more creative when it comes to costumes. Growing up tubby, I often found that I needed to use my sense of humor to blend in socially. Therefore, I tend to favor costumes that poke fun of my rotundness. After all, I’m a pretty funny guy, but looks aren’t everything.
There are a few classic costumes that someone with my body type can pull off pretty easily. Toga Dude works, and who wouldn’t want to party like the ancient Greek? Jedi robes aren’t so bad, plus you get to pack around a lightsaber. Evil Lawn Gnome is a solid choice, as is Pillsbury Dough Boy or Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
I like to be a little more original. With that in mind, here are a couple ideas I have that might be kind of fun.
The Death Star
I encase myself in a cardboard or papier-mâché ball painted to look like the infamous space station from “Star Wars.” My roundness is contained within the roundness of the Death Star. It might be hard to move around. And I have no idea how one would go to the bathroom while wearing this costume. Watch out, Alderaan!
Retirement Home Wolverine
Gray up my hair, paint some wrinkles on my face and apply some claws to my knuckles, and voila! Wolverine in his twilight years! Add a walker or an oxygen tank for authenticity. And there’s no need to wear yellow Spandex, since Wolvie went through a leather-jacket-and-jeans phase, although dragging around a walker or an oxygen tank might be a bit of a hassle.
Dead Porkins
Another “Star Wars”-inspired costume, Jek Porkins is probably better known as the “Fat X-Wing Pilot.” I could just do a Porkins costume, but I’d rather go one step beyond by setting an X-Wing pilot costume on fire and covering myself in fake blood. It might be kind of messy, though.
Giant Baby
Put on a diaper, and pack around a bottle. Bam! Done and done. It might not be fun shaving my chest. And it could be really chilly. And I don’t want to take my shirt off.
Sasquatch
Who’s to say that Ole ‘Squatch isn’t a little poofy around the midsection?
Realistic Superman
Here’s the thing about Superman: He draws his strength from Earth’s yellow sun.
That gives him the strength to do what he does. That means, there’s nothing on earth that’s heavy to him. So why would he be so muscled and ripped when there’s nothing on Earth that can provide enough resistance? Realistically, he could be a pudgy dude who eats Doritos and watches a lot of Food Network. Like me!!
There are other ideas floating around my melon, but they haven’t solidified quite yet. I’m sure I could be a sumo wrestler or Fat Albert. But again, I’d like to show a bit more creativity. So what do you think? What should I be for Halloween? What are you dressing up as this year? Drop me a comment or something and let’s start a dialogue!
(Special thanks to Halloween City in Idaho Falls for letting us mess around and take photos in the store. You guys are awesome!)