FORSGREN: Friends Don’t Let Friends Spoil Movies And TV Shows

There is a scourge that exists among us. A blight that we have tolerated for too long. Too many have suffered the ill effects of this adversary and it is time to kill it before it poisons more innocents.

This affliction of which I speak is known as “spoilers”.

You know what I’m talking about. Those people who go about ruining the surprises in a new movie or the big plot points of an ongoing TV series. I’ve dealt with them many times. Just last week, someone attempted to ruin the end of “Captain America: Civil War” by telling me the fate of one of the main characters. This dude would totally have taken the jelly out of my donut if I hadn’t read the comics “Civil War” was based on.

I don’t get what these people get out of spoiling movies and TV shows for others. Is there some sort of pride that comes with lessening others’ enjoyment of a show? Did someone ruin their childhoods by telling them what they got for Christmas, and now they have to take their pain out on the rest of the world? Is it a side-effect of being brain hacked by aliens? Does anyone know the truth?

Regardless of why they do it, I think we can all agree that spoilers need to be stopped. A punishment must be meted out. I’d say we could put them on the other side of Trump’s wall if I thought it was actually going to be built (or that it would actually stop anyone from getting into the U.S.). But something must be done. And I have an idea of what.

Left to their own devices, spoilers will keep spoiling things until the end of time which is why we need to put this in the hands of the spoilers’ nearest and dearest. Here’s what I’m proposing: The friends and loved ones of spoilers pay the price until they can bring their spoiler under control. If someone is caught spoiling in public or online, the friends will be banned from movies and have their Internet shut off for three days. They then have the responsibility to get their spoiler to knock it off. A second offense results in a two week movie and Internet blackout. A third offense, three months. And so on.

Don’t like that plan? It does sound rather unwieldy and a tad unenforceable. How about this: The friends wear shock collars and receive electric shocks every time their spoiler divulges a movie or TV show secret. Why make the friends wear the collars? Because the spoiler is too far gone to respond to shock therapy, but not to respond to being beaten silly by friends who are tired of getting zapped.

What about sticking anyone caught spoiling on a desert island where their only food is bananas and their only entertainment is a really worn-out video tape copy of “Mrs. Doubtfire”? Too cruel, you say?

OK, I’ve overshot into hyperbole territory. Life is pretty awesome if the worst thing you have to worry about is having your favorite TV show or movie ruined for you. Still, that doesn’t mean that people running around spoiling movies for others is something we should tolerate, and it would seem to me that the best way to put a stop to this is for friends of potential spoilers to apply some pressure.

So, if you have a friend who spoils movies for others, take them aside and tell them to knock it off. Tell them it’s uncool and that only bullies and losers ruin movies and TV shows for others. They know you care about them and only want the best for them, and they’ll listen.

And if they don’t stop? Then, as their friends, it is your responsibility to beat them about the ears until they knock it off.