Of All The Things The NFL Has Lost, I Miss The Awesome Player Nicknames The Most - East Idaho News
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Of All The Things The NFL Has Lost, I Miss The Awesome Player Nicknames The Most

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Today’s National Football League is not what it used to be.

Some of the changes have been good. But let’s not kid ourselves. Most of the rule changes have served to increase offense and scoring, throwing the game out of balance and seriously impeding defensive players and their ability to do their jobs. You can’t hit a ball carrier too high or too low. And if you even look at the opposing quarterback in a way the officials don’t like, you’re gonna get flagged. Thanks a lot, Tom Brady. Wussy.

But the thing about the NFL that bothers me the most is that players these days have the lamest nicknames.

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A good nickname can tell you a lot about a person. It’s like shorthand describing someone’s personality. Take Ozzy Osbourne. His nickname, “The Prince of Darkness”, tells you a lot about who he is. He’s sinister, not to be trifled with. Also, he’s a prince, so maybe he’s not quite evil enough to be the “King of Darkness”. Whoever gave Ozzy his nickname must also have known that he’s basically a heavy metal-singing teddy bear.

It’s the same with football players. Look at Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch. He got his nickname, and it’s a very cool nickname, because of the way he used to trample defensive players who got in his way. It tells you he’s a juggernaut that does not stop once he gets going.

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Sadly, Lynch and the owner of the next coolest NFL nickname, Calvin “Megatron” Johnson, retired at the end of last season. Now, the league is so bereft of players with cool nicknames, it’s actually kind of depressing. Name an NFL current player with a cool nickname. Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan? Lame. Darrelle “Revis Island” Revis? Revin hasn’t been putting many receivers on an island lately.

“Big Ben” Roethlisberger? Ugh. Sebastian “Seebass” Janikowski? He’s not a player, he’s a kicker. “Captain Kirk” Cousins? Nope. Terrence “Pot Roast” Knighton? Actually, that one’s not bad.

Still, I can’t help thinking that the nicknames given to the players I grew up watching were better. Funnier. More imaginative. These days it seems like most players have nicknames that are either just their initials or some derivative of their names. But back in the day, players had much more colorful, creative nicknames. Allow me to share a few examples.

  • Dieon “Prime Time” Sanders – So named because he always played, dressed and acted like he was ready for Prime Time. At least until the team in Washington D.C. signed him.
  • Reggie “The Minister of Defense” White – So named because he was an ordained minister. And because if he got a hold of your quarterback, all you could do was pray.
  • Craig “Ironhead” Heyward – This dude was built like a wrecking ball with legs and he’d crash into defenders like his head was made of iron.
  • William “The Refrigerator” Perry – So named because he was so big, he blocked out all the light.
  • Walter “Sweetness” Payton – He may have had some sweet moves, but when he hit guys, their ancestors felt it.
  • Finally, Christian “The Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye – This running back who originally hailed from Nigeria, was so massive, he gave opposing defenders nightmares.
  • Those are some pretty awesome nicknames, right? And the crazy thing is, I even missed out seeing the guys with the best nicknames play. Guys like Dick “Night Train” Lane, Ed “Too Tall” Jones, Elroy “Crazylegs” Hirsch and Chuck “Concrete Charlie” Bednarik had come and gone long before I started watching football. And somehow, I still miss those guys and their awesome nicknames.

    Nowadays, I have to be satisfied with memories of a more colorful time when the NFL wasn’t so boring and drained of personality. But I keep my fingers crossed that there will be a renaissance of player nicknames. Because someone somewhere has to do better than Andrew “Neckbeard” Luck or Colin “Sackorpick” Kaepernick.

    P.S.: I came up with those last two myself…

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