Matt Damon Kidnaps Jimmy Kimmel, Hijacks His Show
By: ABC Digital
(LOS ANGELES) — On Thursday night’s installment of ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Matt Damon finally got even after years of being reportedly “bumped” by the host.
He bound and gagged Jimmy Kimmel and then proceeded to take over the show he retitled Jimmy Kimmel Sucks!.
Damon not only farmed out the monologue to Robin Williams, he replaced Kimmel’s security guard/sidekick Guillermo with Andy Garcia donning an identical uniform and aping his thick accent. Damon replaced band leader Cleto Escobedo with Sheryl Crow — who later debuted her new single “Easy” — and featured videotaped well-wishes from stars like Robert De Niro, Oprah Winfrey and others.
Ben Affleck — who according to a classic Kimmel gag had a relationship with Kimmel — tried to rebel against Damon by slipping flattering cue cards about Kimmel into Damon’s opening, then crying out in anguish as he ran off stage, “Forget it, Matt! I couldn’t do it to Jimmy!”
Damon, linked to Affleck since their youth, then screamed, “He doesn’t even love you like I love you!”
With Kimmel gagged in the background, Damon first embarrassed Kimmel by revealing lost audition tapes, revealing Kimmel’s animosity stems from losing every big role Damon has had to the Oscar winner. Kimmel was shown blowing try outs for movies including Good Will Hunting and the Bourne films.
Later, Damon welcomed Oscar winner Nicole Kidman to the show for the first time. Although she grinded herself on the incapacitated host, she told Damon she never appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! because he’s not classy. She also admitted she’s a kleptomaniac — something she felt she could never share with Kimmel.
In short order, Damon then welcomed Oscar nominee Gary Oldman — who insisted a Gary Oldman impersonator had appeared on the show in his stead in the past. Amy Adams followed, insisting Kimmel “slipped me the tongue” during a previous “horrible” interview on the show.
As the studio’s couch filled with celebs, Damon said you could throw a rock and hit a celebrity in Hollywood, and outside the studio, Garcia proved that by hitting Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon and then Demi Moore, who was looking much younger than the last time many had seen her.
Damon also welcomed his former flame — at least according to another Kimmel gag — and Kimmel’s ex, Sarah Silverman, who admitted her relationship with Kimmel was like eating hot dogs on the street, then being nauseated by having had them.
Things are looking up for Kimmel, however: on Friday he not only gets his show back, but he also gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
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