(NEW YORK) — About twice a week, sometimes more often, Dr. Jordan Moskoff attends to a sex accident at his Chicago emergency room: objects stuck in places they shouldn’t be, broken penises caused by inept lovers and even severed organs they jokingly call “Lorena Bobbit” cases.
“[Penile] rings are really problems,” Moskoff told ABCNews.com. “That should be a public service announcement: Don’t use anything that doesn’t have a hinge or is not made of rubber, or it’s not coming off.”
In one unfortunate accident, the urologist sent someone in the middle of the night to Home Depot to get a special diamond-tipped saw to remove a man’s makeshift 8-inch steel ring.
“We actually had to have him sign a paper that we may cut his penis off,” said Moskoff, 40. “The guy was fine, but I am not sure everything was functional afterwards. Sparks were flying everywhere and we worried the curtains would catch fire.”
Moskoff is a medical consultant and star of a new Discovery Health television series that premieres Dec. 28: Sex Sent Me to the ER.
Other accidents highlighted in the series include a rock singer who had a stroke mid-shag; a man who broke is penis during a threesome; and a woman who could not stop having an orgasm.
Moskoff says he has a million emergency room stories to share from his 14-year career.
“It happens more often than you think,” he said. “Most people try to stay home and then things get worse. They make a series of bad decisions and no one plans to end up in the ER. But one thing leads to another…People do a lot of stupid stuff.”
One of the most common accidents is a foreign object that somehow lodged in the rectum.
“People go on the Internet and one thing leads to another,” he said.
Often, the embarrassed patient will lie, and say, “I fell on something, doc.”
“It’s always the same story,” Moskoff said. “More than anything, it will be they were out drinking or doing drugs and woke up the next morning and had no idea what happened, which is completely false. It would be the world’s greatest ‘Don’t do drugs’ ad if it were true.”
Emergency doctors see frequent cases of “broken” penises, according to Moskoff. A penile fracture is a rupture of the fibrous layer of connective tissue that surrounds the urethra. It is caused by a rapid blunt force to an erect penis, usually during aggressive intercourse or masturbation.
Urologists jokingly call these accidents “missed torsional directioning.”
Moskoff is always amazed by how people handle these sex emergencies. One woman found a girl’s text message on her husband’s cellphone and took a knife to his private parts, he said.
“She cut him between the penis and the scrotum at the base and it wasn’t completely cut off,” he said. “But the first thing he did was he went to his girlfriend’s house to see if it still worked. People are crazy.”
And women are just as bad as the men, according to Moskoff. One 77-year-old woman ended up in the emergency room in a “moo moo dress” with the claw end of a hammer stuck up her vagina. He said she took public transportation to the hospital.
“That’s my favorite,” he said. “Can you picture a little old lady riding a bus in a house dress with a hammer?” Moskoff said. “We constantly say, ‘You can’t make this stuff up.’ The beauty of this show is I could do it for the next 10 years with just my stories.”
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