‘Can I kiss you?’: BYU devotional on sexual assault advocates explicit consent
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PROVO — As the hero sweeps the struggling heroine into his arms, he plants a kiss on her until she eventually melts and relents in the heat of the moment.
While exciting, this scene is a fantasized storyline rife with issues, said Benjamin Ogles, dean of the College of Family, Home and Social Sciences, during a BYU devotional on sexual assault Tuesday.
Movies and media have romanticized assault, he said, and though many are worried that asking for consent could “ruin the moment,” what ruins the moment even more is kissing or touching someone who doesn’t want it.
“The pain of sexual violence is worse than the awkwardness of securing consent,” Ogles said.
Instead of assuming the desire to kiss or touch is there, Ogles suggests asking beforehand. Learn to distinguish between fantasy and reality in romantic relationships, he said. A person cannot consent if they are sleeping or unconscious, nor if they’re frozen and have stopped moving.
“The most respectful approach in real life is to honor the personal space and physical autonomy of others and only kiss or touch when you are sure you have consent,” he said.
KSL.com reports the BYU devotional comes on the heels of several changes in the university’s policy, one of which grants amnesty to those who come forward with accusations of sexual assault despite possible violations of the school’s honor code, which prohibits things like premarital sex or drinking.
Ogles, a member of BYU’s committee organized to address the issue of sexual assault on campus, said he was concerned with the findings of a survey that asked BYU students whether they had experienced unwanted sexual contact. Of the 730 polled, 475 said they had. Fifty-two percent of those experienced that abuse at the hand of a former boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse.
The majority of those who experienced unwanted sexual contact were more likely to report the incident to a friend or roommate before a family member or authority figure, Ogles said.
“If a friend or relative tells you they have been the victim of sexual assault or sexual abuse, then you believe them, express your concern for them and encourage them to seek professional help.”
"If a friend or relative tells you they have been the victim of sexual assault or sexual abuse, tell them you believe them, express your concern for them, and encourage them to seek professional help." #byudevo pic.twitter.com/6j9EexAd1k
— BYU CFAC (@BYUcfac) January 30, 2018
Ogles also reminded students that victims of assault are never “asking for it,” despite what they may be wearing or doing.
Once, while visiting a rural community, Ogles said he left his car unlocked and found it burglarized the next morning. While he initially blamed himself for not locking the car and assuming it would be safe, he realized that the perpetrators were the ones guilty of violating his right to privacy.
Ogles encouraged students to resist victim blaming and to help others find healing and comfort.
“You can stand up to others when you hear inappropriate remarks. You can also be alert for signs of inappropriate behavior in relationships and take actions to provide assistance when needed,” he said.
The BYU Title IX office is hosting “Can I Kiss You? A candid look at consent,” an event focused on how to seek and ask for consent, Wednesday from 5:30-7 p.m. at the Varsity Theater on BYU campus.
I just found out that the BYU Title IX office is having an event to learn about consent ???????? pic.twitter.com/Z0oeYeR33k
— JENNIE. (@jennie382) January 30, 2018
Those who wish to view Ogles’ address in full can find it here.