Gay brother of Mormon apostle shares his journey and a message of love in new book

SALT LAKE CITY — Tom Christofferson was enjoying a night at the symphony when his brother, Elder D. Todd Christofferson, called.

It was November 2015 and just 24 hours earlier, word had leaked that leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were introducing a new policy that Mormons in same-sex marriages were considered apostates. The policy also included a provision that children of gay couples could not be baptized until they turned 18.

Tom is gay and his brother, Todd, is a member of one of the church’s top governing bodies — the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

“I stepped out at intermission and called him back,” Tom recalls. “He told me he had just recorded an interview with Mike Otterson, who was head of public affairs for the LDS church, to provide information about the policy. Knowing that many people I loved would be quite hurt with this policy, he said, ‘If you feel the need to distance yourself from me because of this, I will certainly understand.’”

Tom responded, “It can’t have been easy for you to have a gay brother who is pretty public. You have never distanced yourself from me and I have no intention of putting any distance between us either.”

Since that night, Tom has reflected on how the LDS Church and its members deal with homosexual members and LGBT issues.

In a new book titled ‘That We May Be One,’ published by church-owned Deseret Book, he shares his journey of being raised Mormon, leaving the church for 25 years, entering into a long-term relationship with a man he loved and then returning to his faith.

COMING OUT

At 19, Tom served a two-year Mormon mission, returned and married a young woman in an LDS temple. The marriage was annulled, and he broke the news to his parents that he was gay.

The now 60-year-old remembers that he “couldn’t figure out how to be gay and Mormon so I decided to be gay and happy.”

Tom was excommunicated from the LDS Church in 1985. His parents and brothers were active members and they decided that rather than shunning Tom, they would embrace him.

“My parents sought guidance through prayer how best to lead our family through the process,” Tom tells EastIdahoNews.com. “They received an answer and that was to be totally inclusive.”

Tom eventually fell in love with a doctor he met in San Francisco.

Over the years, he and his partner were welcome at every family activity. They spent the night at their parent’s home and family members would attend events at Tom’s house.

“It was a great way to approach it because it meant there are no barriers. We could be fully engaged with each other,” Tom says.

SOMETHING MORE

Tom and his partner settled into their careers and moved to New Canaan, Connecticut in 2007. They were happy, but Tom says he felt a desire to find deeper meaning in his life. That’s when he quietly started to attend the local Mormon ward.

“I would sneak in the back right after sacrament meeting started and then leave right when it was over,” Tom says. “I didn’t talk to anyone but felt very welcome. After some time, I decided to go see the bishop.”

Tom told the bishop everything — about his past, his partner and his desire to find something more. He told the leader that he wanted to worship with the Latter-day Saints and asked if that would be ok.

“He said, ‘Absolutely. Please come join us and bring your partner. If you’ll come, we’d like to know him too,’” Tom recalls.

Tom and his boyfriend began attending church regularly. The ward members welcomed him “with open arms” and after five years, Tom asked to be rebaptized.

“My stake president asked my partner to come in and talk about why baptism was important to me. He asked him his feelings and (my partner) wasn’t really high on the idea,” Tom says. “The stake president said, ‘I don’t think this is the right time. I think you should talk about it and if you ever both feel right, we’ll meet again.’”

A year later, Tom’s partner told him that he needed to do what was right for him and said he would support Tom if he became a Latter-day Saint again.

COMING BACK

Tom hoped he and his partner could keep the emotional connection they had for so many years but they realized things couldn’t be the same.

“That really wasn’t a happy outcome for my partner and he felt he would rather end the relationship,” Tom says. “After nearly two decades, my brothers and sisters-in-law and parents had come to really love him. My nieces and nephews knew him as an uncle. We all miss him and he was a great addition to our family.”

Tom keeps in touch with his former partner but has decided to remain a celibate Mormon and has moved to Salt Lake City.

His ward has embraced him and he says he wrote “That We May Be One” to spark a better conversation among families and church members.

“How can we, as families, be closer together and be more united? How can ward families do the same thing? We need to make space for individuals wherever they might be in their journey,” Tom says. “I’ve tried really hard to say this is my experience. I’m grateful for it.”

Tom says his journey is not a template or how-to guide for anyone else. He realizes some in the LGBTQ community may be offended or hurt by his words but that isn’t his intention.

“Some feel they’ve got wounds that are very real and raw from experiences that were not as happy as mine have been,” Tom says. “For them it’s really hard to hear there may be a place for them in the church. I want to make sure we’re letting everyone tell their story and that we are open to it.”

Tom admits he is “torn” regarding the church policy announced in 2015 and he has spoken with his brother, Elder Christofferson, about it.

“People that I love who are same-sex couples have gotten married, some have children and some don’t, and, in my experience, that’s been stabilizing and solidifying for families,” Tom says. “On the other hands, I believe in prophets, seers and revelators and their ability to see what I cannot. I can see both sides of this and have not been able to fully reconcile in my own mind. I study it, pray about it and hope some day that I’ll have clarity.”

Tom hopes his book inspires others and encourages Mormons and non-Mormons to be more compassionate, loving and kind to those who may not follow a “traditional” path.

“I hope it sparks a better conversation than we’d had before where the far ends of each side are yelling at each other,” Tom says. “Everyone else who reads it should find their path and go where they’re inspired to go in their life.”