Science proves electric guitar is the coolest musical instrument

In the beginning, when the universe erupted into being in an explosion of immeasurable heat and unimaginable violence, all of creation was set on a course toward a single purpose.

That purpose was achieved in 1931 A.D., on a tiny blue world orbiting a non-extraordinary yellow star in a backwater arm of the Milky Way Galaxy, when the electric guitar was invented.

Since the inception of the musical instrument, science had dedicated decades of research and vast sums of money into unlocking its many mysteries, and the electric guitar holds a transformative power found nowhere else. The electric guitar is so powerful, that even miming playing it, an action called “air guitar,” can clean up pollution, as noted in the historical documentary “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”.

For more historical information, check out this video:

This is far from all the electric guitar can do. I can bear personal witness of this, but more about that later.  For now, consider the following:

A study conducted in the 1980s concluded that playing electric guitar combats the rigors of aging. This effect has been witnessed in numerous subjects such as AC/DC’s Angus Young. Young currently looks the same as he did in the 1970s, when his band was just breaking into fame.

Further research revealed that the simple act of holding an electric guitar can make a person more cool-looking, more attractive. The following photos were submitted as evidence:

 

 

In 2009, a scientists from UCLA set out to determine the effect electric guitar had on people living in close proximity to one another. It was shown that apartment dwellers who played the electric guitar loudly saw an 83 percent reduction in annoying neighbors while attracting 42 percent more attractive members of the opposite sex. This video shows the effects of the electric guitar in a number of different environments.

Just last month, NASA discovered that the squid people of Saturn’s moon, Enceladus, purify their water supply using harmonic resonance provided by a team of electric guitar-playing technicians. If the electric guitar can purify the Enceladan water supply, think of what it can do for your soul!

In addition, string theorists are beginning to believe that – OK, I give up. I made up all that stuff.

Playing electric guitar won’t solve all your problems. It probably won’t be the thing that makes you rich or win you a girlfriend or boyfriend. It won’t make your life a utopia. It’s a powerful instrument, but not all-powerful.

But the electric guitar can make you sound cool if you know a few simple tricks. Seriously, it’s easy to sound good on an electric guitar. It also gives you a powerful feeling. Just hit a chord with your amp turned up, and you’ll feel what I mean.

I began learning to play guitar when I was 14. I can still remember how proud I was when I figured out how to play the riff from “Iron Man.” This feeling of transforming into another person happens every time I play in front of people.

It’s as if a switch is thrown the instant I strap my axe on. The person I become isn’t prone to same flaws and frailties I’m normally subject to. Even when I’m playing out of tune and totally nervous because a pretty girl is watching me, I still feel powerful. Indestructible. And plain awesome.

I play electric guitar.

 

There’s a rush that comes over me when I’m chugging along on the guitar, locked into a groove. I get a powerful sense of satisfaction when I master a favorite song or create a cool-sounding riff.

Of course, the only way you’ll be able to experience any of this is if you pick up an electric guitar for yourself. But I promise you, it’s worth it. The electric guitar is fun, easy and cool. So pick up an electric guitar for yourself and then get a hold of me. I could use a jam buddy.