Forsgren: 5 cartoons more qualified to run the country than Trump or Clinton
So … you guys hear about this presidential election coming up?
It seems like it’s been a long, long time since anyone decent ran for the office of Commander in Chief. Too often, it’s like trying to choose between the lesser of two evils. But this election is special. With these candidates – this cast of characters – it seems less like an election and more like a really messed up version of the “Wacky Races,” where a pack of animated buffoons careened about in specialized vehicles, trying to outwit one another.
That got me thinking. Why are we even considering any of these clowns? If our country is gonna be run by a wanna-be cartoon character, why don’t we just elect a real, honest-to-goodness cartoon character. Surely, there are cartoons characters out there who are better qualified to run the country than anyone currently running for a presidential nomination.
In fact, I came up with a few ideas.
Ein the Corgi, from “Cowboy Bebop”
Ein is a “data dog” whose intelligence has been enhanced and expanded. This adorable little pup barks once for “yes” and twice for “no,” which is more communication skills than exhibited by any of our presidential hopefuls. And before you protest that “Ein’s a dog, not a human. He can’t be president,” consider this: Donald Trump is a moldy grapefruit with an eternal bad hair day … and he’s the current G.O.P. front-runner.
Eric Cartman from “South Park”
Cartman is dangerously narcissistic and selfish. The dude also suffers from a serious lack of self-awareness. He seems oblivious to the way his actions affect those around him. He is the center of his own universe. Just like our potential presidents.
On top of that, Cartman is in complete denial of his personality flaws. Just like our presidential hopefuls. Hillary won’t admit she’s dishonest, Ted Cruz won’t admit he’s a creepy-looking weasel, Trump won’t admit that all his ideas are moronic, and Bernie Sanders won’t admit he rubs a balloon on his head to do his hair. What gives Cartman the edge is that he is secretly the superhero “The Coon.” That means he’ll be tougher on crime.
Aku from “Samurai Jack”
Aku may be an evil shape-shifting demon and a first-class despot, but the dude also opened up the skyways, bringing in wealth from other planets and boosting the economy. And with travel to the distant reaches of space open to us, we’ll have someplace to go if our planet finds itself in the target sights of an asteroid or the Sun unexpectedly blows up into a red giant.
Plus, Aku has been known to throw his worst enemies through portals into the distant past. So, you know, time travel may be a possibility. None of our current presidential hopefuls can offer that.
Mr. Burns from “The Simpsons”
He’s diabolical, but he’s here mainly because he looks exactly like Bernie Sanders.
The Mayor of Super Hero City from “Super Hero Squad”
Super Hero City is constantly under threat of destruction by Doctor Doom and his cronies and their clashes with Iron Man and his Super Hero Squad. The Mayor has presided over dozens of successful city-wide rebuilding projects. Surely the man can rebuild our great nation and restore it to its former glory. Plus, he’s voiced by the legendary Stan “The Man” Lee, and who wouldn’t want Stan Lee for president?”
Oh yeah, and he knows all too well that a big wall doesn’t keep the bad guys out.
There you go: five alternatives to our current presidential hopefuls that can’t possibly do a worse job than the real folks. Perhaps someday, decent people will be able to run for national office and have a chance of winning. Until then, I’m staying where I’m at and exercising my right to make fun of the Leader of the Free World.